Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Whisper Me Softly

Graceful Agony is holding their 2nd Blog Carnival and the subject this time is Depression.
I have dealt with depression before and know this clever ancient foe too well. Just thinking about writing this post has brought him nearer than I care to be, but I wanted to share my experience with this evil and bring it to the light so that others may recognize his charming ways before it is too late and get help. Although this has been a difficult task for me, if it helps just one person out there it will have been well worth the effort.

Whisper Me Softly

He stalks me daily, closing in, somewhere near now, there, just over my left shoulder. I can hear his whispered murmurings calling me home. I can feel his warm, moist breath upon my neck, gentle and seductive with its sweet intoxicating scent. I try to gather my last remaining pieces of myself to fight against his prowess but I am growing weaker as he gathers strength. I know that I must keep him away but he plays to my weaknesses like a dealer with an addict. He sings my favorite songs, he recites my favorite poems, and tells my favorite stories for he knows me oh so well. He paints my favorite picture with me far, far away from my current struggles, from my growing frustrations, from my despair. He cleverly plies his skill and neatly spins the truth. “Just one short dance around the floor”, he begs. But I know his deceit for I have danced this dance with him before. He knows that if he can get me in his arms that I will not be able to resist, for he will wrap himself around my sorrows and comfort me with his promises of relief. He knows he has this power over me, to take me once again, so he quietly waits, there, just over my left shoulder.

But this time I try to resist his charms. This time I know that my longed for “escape” comes with the price of ceasing to exist. Along with losing all my troubles I will also lose myself. Still he waits knowing that these last months have been extra painful and each day I grow weaker spinning further and further out of control, spiraling ever downward. It doesn’t take much for this to happen, as it is a delicate balance to keep my back just so. I should have seen this coming sooner, but I don’t like to be reminded. I should have called the Doctor right away but I am stubborn and I convinced myself that I could handle the pain, that I was strong enough to recover on my own. But then the insomnia began and it has a way of wearing me further down, robbing me of my logic. So I ignored the warning signs and now I wonder if it is too late for I feel him there behind me, closer now, just over my left shoulder.

And so I sit in the waiting room of my Doctor's office hoping she will give me what I need in time to resist his charming ways. I wait and wait and try to wait some more....but I feel the beat of the music begin to play and I turn to see his smiling face, and there, his reaching hand, his sweet sweet voice enticing me,"May I please? Just one short dance?".

6 comments:

  1. For all of us who have danced the dance, I thank you for a post that whispers to the very depths of my soul. It's deceit that whispers and we need to fight it.

    Thanks Maryn............

    Hugs,
    Rosemary

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  2. I keep coming back and reading this post. I can't tell you how powerful it is and how much it "whispers to me."

    Hugs again!

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  3. If you only knew how much that means to me, yet with a touch of sadness that you know this dance partner only too well.

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  4. Oh, oh... You've really got the essence. I never thought of depression that way - and it rings so true. It is very seductive, and it is very hard to resist. Unfortunately we know him so well, and it doesn't even bother us that he visits others too.

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  5. I, too, am touched deeply by your post. I am fighting, fighting that being whispering to me. But no, it is not a whisper now. It is a voice, loud and clear. I fought three hard years to escape severe depression and here it is again. My pain has been so unending and the RLS has returned with a vengeance, so not only can I not sleep, but I must walk the floors constantly all night to run away from my skin. My crawling, creeping, writhing skin. And I think I will go crazy from the sensations. All thru the nights and all thru the days Depression hovers. It is closer than I dare to think. I have tried every medicine under the sun. What the Hell am I going to do this time?

    Its a scary, lonely place. I am all alone, yet you describe the place. That place that covers me and weighs me down. Damn. I don't want to go there again.

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  6. The evil twins of chronic pain and chronic depression are constant companions. Like you, I struggle to keep them at arm's length!
    Thx for sharing your whispering voice with us.And CJ if you are getting notifications of further comments: you can always "talk" to the folks at the graceful agony facebook page about your deepening depression: we are more than willing to listen and help you feel less alone.

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